I hope that's the right 诞, but anyhow, that's besides the point.Right. So I got my ass down to the temple with mum today. I've never really felt THE connection with the gods that I've attempted to speak to for as long as I can remember, and hence, I never really talk much about the religion that I've been born because I do not consider sticking a few joss-sticks into some urn praying. I visit temples out of respect for my parents; because they would like me to.
Today, as I held the 3 joss-sticks in between my palms and attempted to speak to Guan Yin again (it's usually her), I asked her to bless my family members with good health (one of the usual things I ask for),
1) I asked for better communication between me and my parents,
2) a place in NTU (didn't specify which course but my heart spelt out maritime),
3) for everyone to be a little happier and
4) for myself to be much more forgiving. I teared a little at the end of it (can you believe i teared at the damned crowded kwan im thong at waterloo st, probably with hundreds of devotees all around me?!), not because I felt any connection but rather, I saw it as a time for some reflection. I seriously need to work on most of the above mentioned issues, asap.
Communication with parentsI want to stop lying to my parents and tell them where I've really been; I just hope that they'd be a little more receptive and open towards what I've got to say about what I'd like to do. The reason behind all the times I lied couldn't be simpler, I didn't want them to worry, and I don't want to hear my dad repeat the same danger story over and over again, even though he still always does. I know he's a sea-battered old man now, and what he's been saying all this while makes sense, but still, he never seems to look on the bright side of life. They never really seem interested when I share my stories/discoveries with them (maybe that's because they've seen much more interesting things happening in their lives, and dolphin sightings are really not that interesting to them), so I stopped trying a long time ago. Dear mum & dad, if you ever happen to see this someday (though I hope it won't be in the recent future), I want to say sorry for all the times I've lied to you. I took up diving, much to both of your ignorance, and probably displeasure (to come). You don't have to agree with me, you'll just need to listen. There's bound to be a certain degree of risk/danger in whatever we do in life. I don't need to go into details to explain how you might become the victim of a hit-and-run accident as you walk along the streets someday (touchwood), but things like that, they just happen. I believe that when it's time to go, it's time to go. It's always been my wish to have your support in steps that I'm going to take/have already taken in life. I do wish to hear something positive, like "enjoy your trip, girl!" instead of something like a ten minute lecture on how dangerous it is (whatever that I'm going to do), usually with me ending up in silent tears in the room. I've seen some friends with really supportive parents, engaging in the same activities with their children, and at times like this, I can't help but be an envious bitch and hope that someday, we'd be able to do something like that together too, or maybe, you can just pass some of your knowledge bout the sea to me. I will continue to do the things that both of you (or maybe just dad) frown upon, (but I will remember "safety first" no matter what) because I don't feel that I'm harming anyone and it's going to be what I really enjoy doing. Dear mum & dad, I love you both deeply and you have places in my heart that nothing and nobody can replace.
gosh it's been one helluva lengthy paragraph and I wish I have the guts to tell them what I've just typed right now.
a place in NTUsometime ago back in my 2nd year at TP, I thought that maybe, I'd be able to get somewhere with my okay-but-not-so-amazing GPA. And so, I started doing research on what are some of the available and related courses I could try to apply for once we started nearing graduation. It didn't seem so difficult to get in at that time, almost everyone else around me said they weren't going to continue with their education. People didn't even want to bother to hear me explain what maritime's all about when I tried to, and I thought, just as well, doesn't really matter as long as I have my path laid out for myself. Then came the 3rd year, and all the further education talks came at us in full force, right before university application period opened. Suddenly, everyone seemed to want to go to university and started applying. My high chances of getting a place in NTU seemed to have plummeted to a near zero. I'm not making this up. It was in the papers sometime ago, so many students are applying for the local Us. Got down to the career exhibition sometime ago and talked to the course director. They're only accepting 60 students for the cohort, and so far, there's only been one pathetic (the figure, not the person) TP ex-student who got in (it's a new course, only 2 years so far). So with my average results, I really shouldn't get my hopes up, of being one of the 60+ selected few, eh? I'm sad to say that 我很看不开, but yeah, I don't think I want to tell you things anymore (don't know if I've mentioned this before, but don't we just love the ambiguity of YOUs?). You know how it feels, to have people always taking things that matter away from you? probably not. Sorry the post's going to end on a bitter note :/ only that I'm not really sorry.
Labels: ranting, reflection, thoughts
1:11 AM
