disappointment
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Fuck Disappointment, I wish I had better things to do than be disappointed with you or you.
Still angry, thinking bout what's been happening lately. Trying to cover things up with silence or a smile or pretending that nothing's happened, that's not going to solve problems.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Do I feel better? Maybe? Does anyone care? Definitely not you.
Kay. Enough of the complaints. Went through 2 interviews this week. The thing about interviews is that, I actually enjoy interviews. Talking to strangers can be fun, and they'd usually be asking what I like to do; I just don't like having to wait for the results. Keeping fingers crossed.
Have been idling around for quite awhile, I feel unproductive, and I also seriously feel that I need a job badly. First interview of the week was at Zouk; & if they decide to hire me, I'm going to be a fucking barmaid! No better time than now for a job like that, you just have to agree with me on this. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let me through this, because I would really love to buy those Aero/VS/AE/Supre shorts/panties/bags/shirts but I am officially broke.
Comm Skills tutors would have been very disappointed to know what I wore for my 2nd interview. My back-up plan & I was super under-dressed. It was supposed to be a back-up plan but after Siaos let me know of the rewarding aspects of this career, I think I'm going to take it up if they're going to offer that something-new-PE-Taiwan-Scholarship to me. Save the fees and have a spanking good time in Taiwan, promised an interesting (hey at least not desk-bound what) job for at least 5 years, what's so bad about that? I am actually regretting not having dressed up a little bit more now. nabei.
I pestered my dad to bring me fishing tomorrow. I hope everything's going to turn out well and we'll return with a hearty catch!
4:30 AM
Still angry, thinking bout what's been happening lately. Trying to cover things up with silence or a smile or pretending that nothing's happened, that's not going to solve problems.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Do I feel better? Maybe? Does anyone care? Definitely not you.
Kay. Enough of the complaints. Went through 2 interviews this week. The thing about interviews is that, I actually enjoy interviews. Talking to strangers can be fun, and they'd usually be asking what I like to do; I just don't like having to wait for the results. Keeping fingers crossed.
Have been idling around for quite awhile, I feel unproductive, and I also seriously feel that I need a job badly. First interview of the week was at Zouk; & if they decide to hire me, I'm going to be a fucking barmaid! No better time than now for a job like that, you just have to agree with me on this. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let me through this, because I would really love to buy those Aero/VS/AE/Supre shorts/panties/bags/shirts but I am officially broke.
Comm Skills tutors would have been very disappointed to know what I wore for my 2nd interview. My back-up plan & I was super under-dressed. It was supposed to be a back-up plan but after Siaos let me know of the rewarding aspects of this career, I think I'm going to take it up if they're going to offer that something-new-PE-Taiwan-Scholarship to me. Save the fees and have a spanking good time in Taiwan, promised an interesting (hey at least not desk-bound what) job for at least 5 years, what's so bad about that? I am actually regretting not having dressed up a little bit more now. nabei.
I pestered my dad to bring me fishing tomorrow. I hope everything's going to turn out well and we'll return with a hearty catch!
Labels: daily, life, pissed off, ranting
4:30 AM
观音诞, it's time to reflect
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I hope that's the right 诞, but anyhow, that's besides the point.
Right. So I got my ass down to the temple with mum today. I've never really felt THE connection with the gods that I've attempted to speak to for as long as I can remember, and hence, I never really talk much about the religion that I've been born because I do not consider sticking a few joss-sticks into some urn praying. I visit temples out of respect for my parents; because they would like me to.
Today, as I held the 3 joss-sticks in between my palms and attempted to speak to Guan Yin again (it's usually her), I asked her to bless my family members with good health (one of the usual things I ask for), 1) I asked for better communication between me and my parents, 2) a place in NTU (didn't specify which course but my heart spelt out maritime), 3) for everyone to be a little happier and 4) for myself to be much more forgiving. I teared a little at the end of it (can you believe i teared at the damned crowded kwan im thong at waterloo st, probably with hundreds of devotees all around me?!), not because I felt any connection but rather, I saw it as a time for some reflection. I seriously need to work on most of the above mentioned issues, asap.
Communication with parents
I want to stop lying to my parents and tell them where I've really been; I just hope that they'd be a little more receptive and open towards what I've got to say about what I'd like to do. The reason behind all the times I lied couldn't be simpler, I didn't want them to worry, and I don't want to hear my dad repeat the same danger story over and over again, even though he still always does. I know he's a sea-battered old man now, and what he's been saying all this while makes sense, but still, he never seems to look on the bright side of life. They never really seem interested when I share my stories/discoveries with them (maybe that's because they've seen much more interesting things happening in their lives, and dolphin sightings are really not that interesting to them), so I stopped trying a long time ago. Dear mum & dad, if you ever happen to see this someday (though I hope it won't be in the recent future), I want to say sorry for all the times I've lied to you. I took up diving, much to both of your ignorance, and probably displeasure (to come). You don't have to agree with me, you'll just need to listen. There's bound to be a certain degree of risk/danger in whatever we do in life. I don't need to go into details to explain how you might become the victim of a hit-and-run accident as you walk along the streets someday (touchwood), but things like that, they just happen. I believe that when it's time to go, it's time to go. It's always been my wish to have your support in steps that I'm going to take/have already taken in life. I do wish to hear something positive, like "enjoy your trip, girl!" instead of something like a ten minute lecture on how dangerous it is (whatever that I'm going to do), usually with me ending up in silent tears in the room. I've seen some friends with really supportive parents, engaging in the same activities with their children, and at times like this, I can't help but be an envious bitch and hope that someday, we'd be able to do something like that together too, or maybe, you can just pass some of your knowledge bout the sea to me. I will continue to do the things that both of you (or maybe just dad) frown upon, (but I will remember "safety first" no matter what) because I don't feel that I'm harming anyone and it's going to be what I really enjoy doing. Dear mum & dad, I love you both deeply and you have places in my heart that nothing and nobody can replace.
gosh it's been one helluva lengthy paragraph and I wish I have the guts to tell them what I've just typed right now.
a place in NTU
sometime ago back in my 2nd year at TP, I thought that maybe, I'd be able to get somewhere with my okay-but-not-so-amazing GPA. And so, I started doing research on what are some of the available and related courses I could try to apply for once we started nearing graduation. It didn't seem so difficult to get in at that time, almost everyone else around me said they weren't going to continue with their education. People didn't even want to bother to hear me explain what maritime's all about when I tried to, and I thought, just as well, doesn't really matter as long as I have my path laid out for myself. Then came the 3rd year, and all the further education talks came at us in full force, right before university application period opened. Suddenly, everyone seemed to want to go to university and started applying. My high chances of getting a place in NTU seemed to have plummeted to a near zero. I'm not making this up. It was in the papers sometime ago, so many students are applying for the local Us. Got down to the career exhibition sometime ago and talked to the course director. They're only accepting 60 students for the cohort, and so far, there's only been one pathetic (the figure, not the person) TP ex-student who got in (it's a new course, only 2 years so far). So with my average results, I really shouldn't get my hopes up, of being one of the 60+ selected few, eh? I'm sad to say that 我很看不开, but yeah, I don't think I want to tell you things anymore (don't know if I've mentioned this before, but don't we just love the ambiguity of YOUs?). You know how it feels, to have people always taking things that matter away from you? probably not. Sorry the post's going to end on a bitter note :/ only that I'm not really sorry.
1:11 AM
Right. So I got my ass down to the temple with mum today. I've never really felt THE connection with the gods that I've attempted to speak to for as long as I can remember, and hence, I never really talk much about the religion that I've been born because I do not consider sticking a few joss-sticks into some urn praying. I visit temples out of respect for my parents; because they would like me to.
Today, as I held the 3 joss-sticks in between my palms and attempted to speak to Guan Yin again (it's usually her), I asked her to bless my family members with good health (one of the usual things I ask for), 1) I asked for better communication between me and my parents, 2) a place in NTU (didn't specify which course but my heart spelt out maritime), 3) for everyone to be a little happier and 4) for myself to be much more forgiving. I teared a little at the end of it (can you believe i teared at the damned crowded kwan im thong at waterloo st, probably with hundreds of devotees all around me?!), not because I felt any connection but rather, I saw it as a time for some reflection. I seriously need to work on most of the above mentioned issues, asap.
Communication with parents
I want to stop lying to my parents and tell them where I've really been; I just hope that they'd be a little more receptive and open towards what I've got to say about what I'd like to do. The reason behind all the times I lied couldn't be simpler, I didn't want them to worry, and I don't want to hear my dad repeat the same danger story over and over again, even though he still always does. I know he's a sea-battered old man now, and what he's been saying all this while makes sense, but still, he never seems to look on the bright side of life. They never really seem interested when I share my stories/discoveries with them (maybe that's because they've seen much more interesting things happening in their lives, and dolphin sightings are really not that interesting to them), so I stopped trying a long time ago. Dear mum & dad, if you ever happen to see this someday (though I hope it won't be in the recent future), I want to say sorry for all the times I've lied to you. I took up diving, much to both of your ignorance, and probably displeasure (to come). You don't have to agree with me, you'll just need to listen. There's bound to be a certain degree of risk/danger in whatever we do in life. I don't need to go into details to explain how you might become the victim of a hit-and-run accident as you walk along the streets someday (touchwood), but things like that, they just happen. I believe that when it's time to go, it's time to go. It's always been my wish to have your support in steps that I'm going to take/have already taken in life. I do wish to hear something positive, like "enjoy your trip, girl!" instead of something like a ten minute lecture on how dangerous it is (whatever that I'm going to do), usually with me ending up in silent tears in the room. I've seen some friends with really supportive parents, engaging in the same activities with their children, and at times like this, I can't help but be an envious bitch and hope that someday, we'd be able to do something like that together too, or maybe, you can just pass some of your knowledge bout the sea to me. I will continue to do the things that both of you (or maybe just dad) frown upon, (but I will remember "safety first" no matter what) because I don't feel that I'm harming anyone and it's going to be what I really enjoy doing. Dear mum & dad, I love you both deeply and you have places in my heart that nothing and nobody can replace.
gosh it's been one helluva lengthy paragraph and I wish I have the guts to tell them what I've just typed right now.
a place in NTU
sometime ago back in my 2nd year at TP, I thought that maybe, I'd be able to get somewhere with my okay-but-not-so-amazing GPA. And so, I started doing research on what are some of the available and related courses I could try to apply for once we started nearing graduation. It didn't seem so difficult to get in at that time, almost everyone else around me said they weren't going to continue with their education. People didn't even want to bother to hear me explain what maritime's all about when I tried to, and I thought, just as well, doesn't really matter as long as I have my path laid out for myself. Then came the 3rd year, and all the further education talks came at us in full force, right before university application period opened. Suddenly, everyone seemed to want to go to university and started applying. My high chances of getting a place in NTU seemed to have plummeted to a near zero. I'm not making this up. It was in the papers sometime ago, so many students are applying for the local Us. Got down to the career exhibition sometime ago and talked to the course director. They're only accepting 60 students for the cohort, and so far, there's only been one pathetic (the figure, not the person) TP ex-student who got in (it's a new course, only 2 years so far). So with my average results, I really shouldn't get my hopes up, of being one of the 60+ selected few, eh? I'm sad to say that 我很看不开, but yeah, I don't think I want to tell you things anymore (don't know if I've mentioned this before, but don't we just love the ambiguity of YOUs?). You know how it feels, to have people always taking things that matter away from you? probably not. Sorry the post's going to end on a bitter note :/ only that I'm not really sorry.
Labels: ranting, reflection, thoughts
1:11 AM
updates, updates!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
I've been blabbering bout 'my issues' for the past 2 weeks or so, no one's really intersted but that's not the reason why I guess it's time to stop.
I went to the career and education fair held at suntec yesterday, had a good talk with the Maritime exhibitors (aka the director of NTU's maritime studies, as well as SP's maritime academy, students and also the bigshot from MPA luh!). They were far beyond friendly and helpful; provided me with lots of information regarding the industry, making me feel as though I might still have a chance of getting into NTU despite them only taking in 60-odd students for this semester. And I sort of have a plan in mind, about where I want to go if I don't make it into NTU.
I'll sign up for Nautical Studies at SP, study 2 semesters in SP, clock 18 months of sea time, and I'll have a sea-faring career! It's going to be something that I really want to do and I hope my parents will be supportive of my plan though; they aren't exactly right now, my dad probably won't be too keen for me to follow in his foot-steps (you can't say the same for yf though, it's so unfair), and mum's like "you better tell your dad bout this". Not to worry (yet) though, application results are not out yet. Let's just wait and see huh.
Anyhow, it's definitely been awhile since any post here came by with pictures.
Yesterday was Mummy's birthday (great excuse to take pictures!), and we had dinner at Azabu Sabo, Marina Sq! Main courses were fantastic, and so were the desserts. Curry seafood rice, deep fried Jap beef steak, ramen with some cold sauce and almond flakes, and fried ramen wrapped in omelette! & for dessert I thought the sesame ice cream's really yummy too. Didn't take pictures of the food, but I will next time!
Bf surprised the mum by getting the servers to bring the tiny ice cream cake out only at the end of dinner, but everyone was groaning about how full they were. Ha! That was kinda sweet of him.
mummy~
thank goodness it wasn't big...
she damned play cheat one lor... cut the smallest piece for herself
andersen's ice cream cake; not too sweet, but a little milky. nai nai.
Backtracking, bf brought me to Kushinbo for lunch buffet the day my last paper ended. Food for celebration, what could be better than that apart from holidays! Got a table and we joined the hordes of people at the buffet stands. The broth in the beef paper steam boat was sweet. And the mussels were great as usual. The rest of the food however, seem to have gotten lesser. Bf didn't find the dining experience as satisfying as before, oh well! Maybe we should try the dinner next time round?
loves mussels, and he's an expert at getting that last piece of chewy meat off the shell without looking ugly luh
We caught PS I love you after lunch and the movie was great! Started tearing when she received the tape recorder and played back. I can't believe that her husband can be so sweet; knowing that she'll probably be grievin and planned everything to help her get over her grief and move on with her life. I can't believe that anyone can do that, and I still cannot. Sorry to say, but yes, I'm still a cynic when it comes to matters like that.
Got this new piece of junk online sometime ago and it's going to help me take underwater pictures... say Cheese!!
The past few days have been spent watching online Juno and Meet the Spartans (I think you can skip the 2nd one or watch it online too), idling around, and more idling around. Ooh and I finally got my ass down to Sentosa to collect my paycheque for November(!). Sweet!
It's been a long, long entry, but guess what! I still have one more thing to add: danny's coming to singapore tonight! YAY totally!
11:46 AM
I went to the career and education fair held at suntec yesterday, had a good talk with the Maritime exhibitors (aka the director of NTU's maritime studies, as well as SP's maritime academy, students and also the bigshot from MPA luh!). They were far beyond friendly and helpful; provided me with lots of information regarding the industry, making me feel as though I might still have a chance of getting into NTU despite them only taking in 60-odd students for this semester. And I sort of have a plan in mind, about where I want to go if I don't make it into NTU.
I'll sign up for Nautical Studies at SP, study 2 semesters in SP, clock 18 months of sea time, and I'll have a sea-faring career! It's going to be something that I really want to do and I hope my parents will be supportive of my plan though; they aren't exactly right now, my dad probably won't be too keen for me to follow in his foot-steps (you can't say the same for yf though, it's so unfair), and mum's like "you better tell your dad bout this". Not to worry (yet) though, application results are not out yet. Let's just wait and see huh.
Anyhow, it's definitely been awhile since any post here came by with pictures.
Yesterday was Mummy's birthday (great excuse to take pictures!), and we had dinner at Azabu Sabo, Marina Sq! Main courses were fantastic, and so were the desserts. Curry seafood rice, deep fried Jap beef steak, ramen with some cold sauce and almond flakes, and fried ramen wrapped in omelette! & for dessert I thought the sesame ice cream's really yummy too. Didn't take pictures of the food, but I will next time!
Bf surprised the mum by getting the servers to bring the tiny ice cream cake out only at the end of dinner, but everyone was groaning about how full they were. Ha! That was kinda sweet of him.
mummy~
thank goodness it wasn't big...
she damned play cheat one lor... cut the smallest piece for herself
andersen's ice cream cake; not too sweet, but a little milky. nai nai.
Backtracking, bf brought me to Kushinbo for lunch buffet the day my last paper ended. Food for celebration, what could be better than that apart from holidays! Got a table and we joined the hordes of people at the buffet stands. The broth in the beef paper steam boat was sweet. And the mussels were great as usual. The rest of the food however, seem to have gotten lesser. Bf didn't find the dining experience as satisfying as before, oh well! Maybe we should try the dinner next time round?
loves mussels, and he's an expert at getting that last piece of chewy meat off the shell without looking ugly luh
We caught PS I love you after lunch and the movie was great! Started tearing when she received the tape recorder and played back. I can't believe that her husband can be so sweet; knowing that she'll probably be grievin and planned everything to help her get over her grief and move on with her life. I can't believe that anyone can do that, and I still cannot. Sorry to say, but yes, I'm still a cynic when it comes to matters like that.
Got this new piece of junk online sometime ago and it's going to help me take underwater pictures... say Cheese!!
The past few days have been spent watching online Juno and Meet the Spartans (I think you can skip the 2nd one or watch it online too), idling around, and more idling around. Ooh and I finally got my ass down to Sentosa to collect my paycheque for November(!). Sweet!
It's been a long, long entry, but guess what! I still have one more thing to add: danny's coming to singapore tonight! YAY totally!
Labels: birthday, family, future, random, ranting
11:46 AM
The end of something good?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
So, guess what. Exams are finally over; so it's not exactly the latest news around, but hey, so what? It signifies the end of my polytechnic education, and probably also the start of a new phase in life too.
3 years, sure doesn't feel as long as it sounds. I've met so many wonderful people in TP, set on some of the greatest journeys in my life, learnt some lessons that ought to kept in my heart for life, yadah yadah, you know, all that cliche shit.
I've issues right now, and I fucking don't feel good about it(contrary to popular belief). I've only confided in 2 of my closest friends and I'm so glad they understand how that feeling's like. I felt so much better afterwards. It's not about the need of having someone agree with your chain of thoughts, but more of something like, having someone to listen to you. Okay, so maybe listening to me was involuntary in the first place, but still, thank you babes.
5:38 AM
3 years, sure doesn't feel as long as it sounds. I've met so many wonderful people in TP, set on some of the greatest journeys in my life, learnt some lessons that ought to kept in my heart for life, yadah yadah, you know, all that cliche shit.
I've issues right now, and I fucking don't feel good about it(contrary to popular belief). I've only confided in 2 of my closest friends and I'm so glad they understand how that feeling's like. I felt so much better afterwards. It's not about the need of having someone agree with your chain of thoughts, but more of something like, having someone to listen to you. Okay, so maybe listening to me was involuntary in the first place, but still, thank you babes.
5:38 AM
Monday, February 25, 2008
First paper in 4.5 more hours. How exciting!
I've been having weird dreams since a few nights back. I probably need some counselling or something; it's wrong, the way I'm thinking, I guess. But how would you like that, having something that matters taken away from you? What's more, it's taken away by someone that matters. Or mattered, and no one's going to be on your side.
9:48 AM
I've been having weird dreams since a few nights back. I probably need some counselling or something; it's wrong, the way I'm thinking, I guess. But how would you like that, having something that matters taken away from you? What's more, it's taken away by someone that matters. Or mattered, and no one's going to be on your side.
9:48 AM
The man living one level up
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
hates me! There's absolutely no reason for him to be shouting at the top of his lungs at 5.45 a.m. All I can make out of that shouting is "bullshit", "horrible", "terrible", coupled with lots of door slamming. Can't wait to meet this person and give him a mighty bear hug!
Nah, just kidding. Of course you knew, right?
It's time for yf to wake up for school! Lotsa hot chicks, that's what he said of his new school. Not a major distraction, I hope.
Life suddenly looks a whole lot better than yesterday. I have a wholesome family; not perfect but everyone shows the love they should, and I took 20 years to realize this? I can't imagine life without mum, dad or yf at this point in my life. Geez. Bf, yeah, I have a bf whom I love very much. People around me, I don't think they hate me or anything.I can't help but feel like a bastard right now, sorry people(if you can sense why).
Names, names.. is it that important to be mentioned? Are you less of a friend if no mention's made on you on a good friend's blog? (Not mine okay) Maybe? Yes? No? Looking back, I think it did matter. I call it, the need of belonging. There's really nothing wrong with it, it's all part of observations. Don't mind me, I love most of you still. Even though I hardly mention names ;)
5:42 AM
Nah, just kidding. Of course you knew, right?
It's time for yf to wake up for school! Lotsa hot chicks, that's what he said of his new school. Not a major distraction, I hope.
Life suddenly looks a whole lot better than yesterday. I have a wholesome family; not perfect but everyone shows the love they should, and I took 20 years to realize this? I can't imagine life without mum, dad or yf at this point in my life. Geez. Bf, yeah, I have a bf whom I love very much. People around me, I don't think they hate me or anything.
Names, names.. is it that important to be mentioned? Are you less of a friend if no mention's made on you on a good friend's blog? (Not mine okay) Maybe? Yes? No? Looking back, I think it did matter. I call it, the need of belonging. There's really nothing wrong with it, it's all part of observations. Don't mind me, I love most of you still. Even though I hardly mention names ;)
Labels: daily, random, ranting
5:42 AM
